Overdue

I can't believe it's been over a year since I last wrote on this blog. Well, after some encouragement from a friend, I knew it was time to sit down and write again.

I'm halfway through with my 2nd year of BSSM and I can't fathom the thought of finishing... how does the end of something always creep up so quickly?
As I was talking with my friend today, I realized that I'm in a place where I don't really know or have words for what's taking place inside of me. It's definitely process, but it's not the heart-wrenching, sob-fest of a process... it's more of a stillness/quietness inside of me where I'm having to trust Holy Spirit that SOMETHING is happening. If there's anything that is dangerous to me it's complacency, apathy and mediocre living. I don't want to find myself just getting by in life or in my relationship with Holy Spirit, I want everything I do to be excellent. The fact that I draw a blank when someone asks me what God's doing in my life, scares me. Even if I can't articulate what it is, He in fact, NEVER stops his work in me. So that causes me to ask "What do I do?". If I don't know what He's doing and if I'm not familiar with this state of silence in my heart, how do I discover what's happening? And how do I keep moving forward and prevent complacency with life to settle in? How do I discover what it is that the Lord is trying to teach me or say to me when all I hear when I ask, is the ringing of my own ears?
I share this not only to update the many that have invested in and supported me, but to invite those people to help give meaning to this odd process. I greatly value the wisdom of my supporters and even have peace knowing that soon, many will know this is the place I'm in.
I'm so sorry for taking so long to write...
Better late than never

As of late...

How does one express the deepness of the well within? How can you grasp something that is so big, something that goes far beyond even your own comprehension? I have been touched and set free by the grace of my sweet Jesus.. being here at Bethel has literally unraveled my own understanding of what I thought my tapestry would look like and has started the work of something unrecognizable, something completely different and new, yet, it is completely Audra Lyn Montoya. I haven't had the chance to really sit down and meditate on everything that Daddy-God has done for/been to me since I first arrived in Redding. There aren't enough colors to paint, not enough chords to play, enough lyrics to form in a song to tell of just how faithful He has been to me, how patient, how full of grace and how unconditionally His love has encountered me. In His mercy, He has revealed to me lies, old-covenant ways of living and areas of bondage in which I had been living. The greatest thing about experiencing His endless freedom is that, in that very freedom, He is glorified. To know that He is glorified when I gain all that was meant to prosper me, is absolutely incredible. He has been faithful to me in relationships, in giving me grace to extend toward others, and by answering my prayers of seeing financial breakthrough. He has called me into His marvelous light and I have had an awakening of the greatness that I possess. He has led me into a new understanding of what faith looks like...and that faith that I have called my own has taught me that I can believe for ANYTHING, and by faith it will be given to me.

But the greatest thing that I have experienced is His love. You truly are changed by Love. When you know that you are deeply, irrevocably, unconditionally loved by the Creator of ALL things..everything else is found within that-hope, trust, strength, joy, freedom, truth, life abundant, forgiveness, grace, all things good.

I have experienced this, and will never be the same...yet I have not experienced anything close to the fullness of Him...but I cannot wait to spend my life discovering more.

This is my life as of late.

"Three things will last forever--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest of these is love." 1Cor. 13.13

Write Love

To write with passion and emotion, one must first experience what it means. To understand a love that loves outrageously, one must first feel that love and be set free by that love. Once that happens, everything else that once mattered no longer does and the dreams and desires are shifted and molded by the same love that brought freedom. How do you know when you've experienced this? Everything is changed. Your mindset, your ability to receive love, your emotion...your mistakes. You see, that love crushes the head of guilt and shame, casts out fear and silences anxiety. You no longer believe the lie that you have to earn your way into the presence of this Love or perform in order to please this Love. You no longer live with the mindset that you are unworthy or not good enough or that you were created by mistake...rejection and loneliness are replaced by peace and hope and wisdom becomes the thing you crave. In order to write about this you must first be passionate about it, without passion you are lacking necessary emotion in which to reach your target audience. I have experienced this Love, I have felt Him all around me rebuking disillusion and welcoming me into a place of honor and royalty. This love has given me an inheritance and a promise of having a hope and a future. This Love is patient when I make a mistake and forgiving when I choose to go my own way. This love embraces me when I come running back after having the revelation that "my way" holds no substance and is only filled with anxiety and disappointment. This love accepts me..as me.
In order to write with passion and emotion, one must first experience the meaning of it.. to have passion is to have a powerful or compelling emotion or feeling such as Love. What the writers of the dictionary missed, is that Love is alive..it's not just an emotion or feeling..it's a Person who loves in such a way that it gave reason to write in the first place.. Love-powerful and compelling..worth sharing.

Instill...drop by drop

I'm realizing that when I try to make things happen my way, in my time.. I get nothing. When I try to cater to what I think everyone else wants to see, hear or read...I only end up disappointing myself. Sure, it may be exactly what others want...but the process it takes to get there... only looks like a failed attempt to me. When I strive to say the right things, or work for the approval of another, I find myself more lost than when I started. I can't make words form, or songs come when I'm doing it for another, because they're not the One that instilled that passion in me. Did you know that the definition of 'instill' is to put in drop by drop? What a thought... drop by drop. These ideas, inspirations, songs, giftings are still being released into us..drop by drop; that at the age of 85, I still will not be fully filled with thoughts of heaven. My point being, how can I force something to come that hasn't yet been released? Of course I will disappoint myself in straining to make something come when the timing isn't right. I can only seek the heart of Papa-God, the One who's releasing everything and learn that these "drops" will only come in seeking His face. If there's a stream, you can usually follow it and be led to a much bigger body of water. The Holy Spirit is our Living Water, my guess is He's the biggest body of water there is, drops are usually associated with liquid, water being a liquid, Water= Holy Spirit, it makes sense that by chasing after Him, spending time in His presence...things might get done a lot faster and without strain and be perfected and molded into exactly how He intended it... one single drop at a time, or maybe the forecast says heavy rains in which we are completely soaked deeper than the bone...to the heart, with the activity of heaven.. either way, I'll take those drops because they're more significant than anything I could ever do out of my own power or will. Each drop is a sweet taste of my Jesus, which also creates a delicious post-rain smell that only causes me to crave more...more of Him drop More of His presence drop, drop more of His ideas and plans drop drop drop

To instill is to put in drop by drop

Freedom

True is the verse which states that with prayer and supplication, make your request known to God, and the God of peace which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Phil 4.6-7
I was reminded last night, that thanksgiving is the answer to sustaining peace. Rather than looking upon something with sadness and grief, give thanks for everything that was learned and revealed through that season or relationship. By doing that you're making Papa the focus, not the circumstance, and freely does He release His peace and reassurance that He in fact knows what He's doing....how amazing it is to trust in the Lord, how I delight in Him and cherish being able to walk in an abundance of His freedom.
Thank you for showing me this.

Scattered

I'm having a hard time figuring out what to write. There's so much I want to say, yet I'm sitting here drawing a blank. So many thoughts, so many emotions coursing through. One of the dominant emotions I'm feeling is almost a brokeness..if that's even an emotion. God is doing so much in my life right now that causes me to stand in awe of Him, the closeness that is being formed is priceless.. I'm learning to trust Him to an extent that I never have before. It's really hard. Along with this, comes opportunities to trust. I have so many people speaking into my life, giving me advice, that seems like the easy, obvious answer. I shouldn't say easy, it's not easy. But it seems like the logical decision that needs to be made. However, most things the Lord asks us to do are illogical. Am I making sense? I feel like everything is just scattered. I guess what I'm getting at is, I'm learning to trust God in such a deep way, that His voice is the only one I crave. Regardless of the many voices around me telling me what to do, His is the only one that matters. The decisions and choices that are being presented to me are so big, that I'm not willing to trust anyone else except the Lord, decisions that can potentially effect many around me..
I don't have much else to really express. Writing relaxes me, helps me wring out tension. So maybe that's the purpose of this post. To remind myself why I started trusting Jesus in the first place...because He's dependable, and is the only one that can give peace. Let Him govern my every move, that His word would be planted deep within my, it's the lamp to my feet and a light to the path that seems unclear at times..but He has gone before me, His right hand upholds me, and He's behind me, all around me..I will not be afraid, but cling to the truth that His strength is made perfect in my brokeness.
That's all.

Inner Parts of my heart

Sometimes I wish there was a way to take the emotions that go on inside of me and just sort of, spill them onto this blog. Most times it's hard for me to even begin to scratch the surface of what goes through my mind. How can someone with so many thoughts, convey those words in a way that the reader understands fully what's going through the writer's head?
It seems I am learning constantly how to communicate, which has never been easy for me. God is daily providing situations and opportunities for me to learn and grow in that aspect...it's not fun, it's hard. In fact, right now I feel like crying, and I have no idea why. There's no reason behind my tears, yet I feel pain. I have asked the All Consuming Fire to come and consume everything about who I am...and in asking that, I know I'm not just asking for the flames of Love, but also the Refiner's Fire.. the fire that purifies and brings everything unwanted to the surface. The definition of 'refine' is "to free or become free from impurities/ to make or become more polished or elegant" We're almost oblivious to this when we ask the Holy Spirit to refine us. Then, as all the "impurities" begin to come up to the top, we find ourselves very discouraged and almost confused with why we're feeling frustrated and easily annoyed...well, i can't speak for everyone, I speak for myself in this. How do I get to a place where I can face these things and find freedom from them? To me, everything boils down to intimacy, it's the key to everything. Discovering the heart of the Father while also being known by Him. In Him, I'm free to be, free to be me, and free to be loved. I begin to have more patience, and grace to wait. Peace covers me whenever I start to fear about the outcome of things. Rest sustains me when all around me is chaotic.
And in that place, I find the tools and strategies I need that will help me in the areas that I feel weak...like communicating my thoughts :)