Scattered

I'm having a hard time figuring out what to write. There's so much I want to say, yet I'm sitting here drawing a blank. So many thoughts, so many emotions coursing through. One of the dominant emotions I'm feeling is almost a brokeness..if that's even an emotion. God is doing so much in my life right now that causes me to stand in awe of Him, the closeness that is being formed is priceless.. I'm learning to trust Him to an extent that I never have before. It's really hard. Along with this, comes opportunities to trust. I have so many people speaking into my life, giving me advice, that seems like the easy, obvious answer. I shouldn't say easy, it's not easy. But it seems like the logical decision that needs to be made. However, most things the Lord asks us to do are illogical. Am I making sense? I feel like everything is just scattered. I guess what I'm getting at is, I'm learning to trust God in such a deep way, that His voice is the only one I crave. Regardless of the many voices around me telling me what to do, His is the only one that matters. The decisions and choices that are being presented to me are so big, that I'm not willing to trust anyone else except the Lord, decisions that can potentially effect many around me..
I don't have much else to really express. Writing relaxes me, helps me wring out tension. So maybe that's the purpose of this post. To remind myself why I started trusting Jesus in the first place...because He's dependable, and is the only one that can give peace. Let Him govern my every move, that His word would be planted deep within my, it's the lamp to my feet and a light to the path that seems unclear at times..but He has gone before me, His right hand upholds me, and He's behind me, all around me..I will not be afraid, but cling to the truth that His strength is made perfect in my brokeness.
That's all.

Inner Parts of my heart

Sometimes I wish there was a way to take the emotions that go on inside of me and just sort of, spill them onto this blog. Most times it's hard for me to even begin to scratch the surface of what goes through my mind. How can someone with so many thoughts, convey those words in a way that the reader understands fully what's going through the writer's head?
It seems I am learning constantly how to communicate, which has never been easy for me. God is daily providing situations and opportunities for me to learn and grow in that aspect...it's not fun, it's hard. In fact, right now I feel like crying, and I have no idea why. There's no reason behind my tears, yet I feel pain. I have asked the All Consuming Fire to come and consume everything about who I am...and in asking that, I know I'm not just asking for the flames of Love, but also the Refiner's Fire.. the fire that purifies and brings everything unwanted to the surface. The definition of 'refine' is "to free or become free from impurities/ to make or become more polished or elegant" We're almost oblivious to this when we ask the Holy Spirit to refine us. Then, as all the "impurities" begin to come up to the top, we find ourselves very discouraged and almost confused with why we're feeling frustrated and easily annoyed...well, i can't speak for everyone, I speak for myself in this. How do I get to a place where I can face these things and find freedom from them? To me, everything boils down to intimacy, it's the key to everything. Discovering the heart of the Father while also being known by Him. In Him, I'm free to be, free to be me, and free to be loved. I begin to have more patience, and grace to wait. Peace covers me whenever I start to fear about the outcome of things. Rest sustains me when all around me is chaotic.
And in that place, I find the tools and strategies I need that will help me in the areas that I feel weak...like communicating my thoughts :)

...the things of Earth will grow strangely dim..

It is evident when I am lacking in my intimacy with the Lord. Earthly things become more important, silly situations seem a lot bigger. I feel forgotten when it comes to a few relationships- like if I don't keep reminding them that I'm here, they'll forget me and move on. This kind of dependancy makes me so irritated with myself. As if ANY earthly relationship would ever sustain me the way the Holy Spirit does. But it's in these times that I am most vulnerable to attacks, and most likely to give in. I don't know where along the way, earthly matters become priority, but it's vital that I get to the root of it all. I know that I'm not alone in this. So as you're reading this, I encourage you to examine your hearts. We cannot afford to waste away in mediocrity, and that's what lack of initmacy creates. We must catch it before it becomes just a way of life. Being princes and princesses, we are called to live extraordinary, to only allow the Lord to define us. But it can't just be something we agree verbally, it must be an agreement of mind, body and soul. If even one of those is falling short, in my experience, everything will fall short. Just how the body of Christ must be in one, so must the individual temples.

On a lighter note, the Holy Spirit never fails to use me, even when I feel I'm not equipped. Last night at my grandma's viewing, we played a song I had recorded for my dad for Father's Day- I Can Only Imagine, his favorite. I was somewhat nervous knowing an entire room of strangers and family, would hear my singing, not to mention one of my least liked choices of all the songs I recorded. I asked the Holy Spirit to move among the people, that even though I didn't like how I sounded, He would be glorified. As soon as the song started playing you could sense a shift in the atmosphere. People started crying, and you just knew, the Holy Spirit was up to something. This morning at the funeral, the catholic priest that was performing the ceremony started sharing about how last night during the second song (mine) he just became overwhelmed with joy. He went on to share how he just couldn't wait to see this Man face to face, that loves him so much. He kept going on and on about how much joy he felt and that God really has so much love for us. I can't explain the peace/joy that I felt listening to this. Not only did the Holy Spirit just invade this priest, but He is answering my prayer of uniting denominations. I literally felt a oneness in the body of Christ at that moment.
There really is nothing like being used in a moment and time in which you feel insignificant. It's like the Holy Spirit sees your heart, sees your mindset and says "She thinks she's insignificant, let me just show her how exactly significant and important she is in the kingdom." And completely blows your mind.
How can we be moved by petty little hills, when the Lord has called us to move mountains?? haha it's almost silly to me.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.

"You can't lose Me"

Last night we had prayer and worship at Carla's apartment, there were only 5 of us which really created an intimate atmosphere. Towards the end of worship, my spirit left the room and entered in to my quiet place with Jesus. This happens often, my physical body is in the room and I can still hear what's going on, but my spirit is beckoned into a deep intimate haven with the Love of my life. I remember seeing Jesus and just having Him pull me into an embrace, I remember the familiarity of His presence and just the simplicity of really knowing Him, He's familiar and safe to me. When He smiles at me, I feel beautiful, when He looks at me I can feel His joy and overwhelming Love for me, when He hugs me.... I know that I'm home, and I'm safe, nothing can touch/harm me. There's peace there, restoration. I remember telling Him that I can't live without Him, I can't lose Him. He just laughed as if to say "Oh Audra, you're so silly", then He told me "You can't lose Me". He said it in a way meaning "you're stuck with me, I won't let you lose me". This gave me so much peace. The picture changed, and I was with Him on a hill/field that has been in a lot of my visions. In one season of my life, He was carrying me up this hill because I was too tired and couldn't make it. Another time we were standing together at the top with a huge army behind us, Jesus said to me "we're in this together, partners in crime". Last night we were there, and Jesus was running up the hill flying a kite. He was so carefree and full of joy...like a little kid. Whatever song we were singing at the time, the lyrics were along the lines of "I will search until I find You, I will seek Your face". And in the picture, Jesus was running away from me with this kite, as if we were about to play hide-and-seek. I felt the joy and delight He takes, in having us search for Him. It's not a game, but He has so much fun letting us find Him that in a way, it's like a game. I'm so consumed with Him, so very very much in love with Him. And what's so beautiful, is that He's so very very much in love with me, He looks upon me and is captivated by me. His heart is at peace knowing that I belong to Him, and that He has won me. No man will ever compare to my Jesus, no one will ever fill me the way He fills me. No other love will accept me the way He does.

I have found the One my heart loves, and I will not lose Him...ever.