Here's My World

Overdue

2011-12-21T15:42:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's been over a year since I last wrote on this blog. Well, after some encouragement from a friend, I knew it was time to sit down and write again.

I'm halfway through with my 2nd year of BSSM and I can't fathom the thought of finishing... how does the end of something always creep up so quickly?
As I was talking with my friend today, I realized that I'm in a place where I don't really know or have words for what's taking place inside of me. It's definitely process, but it's not the heart-wrenching, sob-fest of a process... it's more of a stillness/quietness inside of me where I'm having to trust Holy Spirit that SOMETHING is happening. If there's anything that is dangerous to me it's complacency, apathy and mediocre living. I don't want to find myself just getting by in life or in my relationship with Holy Spirit, I want everything I do to be excellent. The fact that I draw a blank when someone asks me what God's doing in my life, scares me. Even if I can't articulate what it is, He in fact, NEVER stops his work in me. So that causes me to ask "What do I do?". If I don't know what He's doing and if I'm not familiar with this state of silence in my heart, how do I discover what's happening? And how do I keep moving forward and prevent complacency with life to settle in? How do I discover what it is that the Lord is trying to teach me or say to me when all I hear when I ask, is the ringing of my own ears?
I share this not only to update the many that have invested in and supported me, but to invite those people to help give meaning to this odd process. I greatly value the wisdom of my supporters and even have peace knowing that soon, many will know this is the place I'm in.
I'm so sorry for taking so long to write...
Better late than never

As of late...

2010-11-11T16:31:00.000-08:00

How does one express the deepness of the well within? How can you grasp something that is so big, something that goes far beyond even your own comprehension? I have been touched and set free by the grace of my sweet Jesus.. being here at Bethel has literally unraveled my own understanding of what I thought my tapestry would look like and has started the work of something unrecognizable, something completely different and new, yet, it is completely Audra Lyn Montoya. I haven't had the chance to really sit down and meditate on everything that Daddy-God has done for/been to me since I first arrived in Redding. There aren't enough colors to paint, not enough chords to play, enough lyrics to form in a song to tell of just how faithful He has been to me, how patient, how full of grace and how unconditionally His love has encountered me. In His mercy, He has revealed to me lies, old-covenant ways of living and areas of bondage in which I had been living. The greatest thing about experiencing His endless freedom is that, in that very freedom, He is glorified. To know that He is glorified when I gain all that was meant to prosper me, is absolutely incredible. He has been faithful to me in relationships, in giving me grace to extend toward others, and by answering my prayers of seeing financial breakthrough. He has called me into His marvelous light and I have had an awakening of the greatness that I possess. He has led me into a new understanding of what faith looks like...and that faith that I have called my own has taught me that I can believe for ANYTHING, and by faith it will be given to me.

But the greatest thing that I have experienced is His love. You truly are changed by Love. When you know that you are deeply, irrevocably, unconditionally loved by the Creator of ALL things..everything else is found within that-hope, trust, strength, joy, freedom, truth, life abundant, forgiveness, grace, all things good.

I have experienced this, and will never be the same...yet I have not experienced anything close to the fullness of Him...but I cannot wait to spend my life discovering more.

This is my life as of late.

"Three things will last forever--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest of these is love." 1Cor. 13.13

Write Love

2010-07-23T20:47:00.000-07:00

To write with passion and emotion, one must first experience what it means. To understand a love that loves outrageously, one must first feel that love and be set free by that love. Once that happens, everything else that once mattered no longer does and the dreams and desires are shifted and molded by the same love that brought freedom. How do you know when you've experienced this? Everything is changed. Your mindset, your ability to receive love, your emotion...your mistakes. You see, that love crushes the head of guilt and shame, casts out fear and silences anxiety. You no longer believe the lie that you have to earn your way into the presence of this Love or perform in order to please this Love. You no longer live with the mindset that you are unworthy or not good enough or that you were created by mistake...rejection and loneliness are replaced by peace and hope and wisdom becomes the thing you crave. In order to write about this you must first be passionate about it, without passion you are lacking necessary emotion in which to reach your target audience. I have experienced this Love, I have felt Him all around me rebuking disillusion and welcoming me into a place of honor and royalty. This love has given me an inheritance and a promise of having a hope and a future. This Love is patient when I make a mistake and forgiving when I choose to go my own way. This love embraces me when I come running back after having the revelation that "my way" holds no substance and is only filled with anxiety and disappointment. This love accepts me..as me.
In order to write with passion and emotion, one must first experience the meaning of it.. to have passion is to have a powerful or compelling emotion or feeling such as Love. What the writers of the dictionary missed, is that Love is alive..it's not just an emotion or feeling..it's a Person who loves in such a way that it gave reason to write in the first place.. Love-powerful and compelling..worth sharing.

Instill...drop by drop

2010-01-29T20:15:00.000-08:00

I'm realizing that when I try to make things happen my way, in my time.. I get nothing. When I try to cater to what I think everyone else wants to see, hear or read...I only end up disappointing myself. Sure, it may be exactly what others want...but the process it takes to get there... only looks like a failed attempt to me. When I strive to say the right things, or work for the approval of another, I find myself more lost than when I started. I can't make words form, or songs come when I'm doing it for another, because they're not the One that instilled that passion in me. Did you know that the definition of 'instill' is to put in drop by drop? What a thought... drop by drop. These ideas, inspirations, songs, giftings are still being released into us..drop by drop; that at the age of 85, I still will not be fully filled with thoughts of heaven. My point being, how can I force something to come that hasn't yet been released? Of course I will disappoint myself in straining to make something come when the timing isn't right. I can only seek the heart of Papa-God, the One who's releasing everything and learn that these "drops" will only come in seeking His face. If there's a stream, you can usually follow it and be led to a much bigger body of water. The Holy Spirit is our Living Water, my guess is He's the biggest body of water there is, drops are usually associated with liquid, water being a liquid, Water= Holy Spirit, it makes sense that by chasing after Him, spending time in His presence...things might get done a lot faster and without strain and be perfected and molded into exactly how He intended it... one single drop at a time, or maybe the forecast says heavy rains in which we are completely soaked deeper than the bone...to the heart, with the activity of heaven.. either way, I'll take those drops because they're more significant than anything I could ever do out of my own power or will. Each drop is a sweet taste of my Jesus, which also creates a delicious post-rain smell that only causes me to crave more...more of Him drop More of His presence drop, drop more of His ideas and plans drop drop drop

To instill is to put in drop by drop

Freedom

2009-08-06T14:11:00.000-07:00

True is the verse which states that with prayer and supplication, make your request known to God, and the God of peace which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Phil 4.6-7
I was reminded last night, that thanksgiving is the answer to sustaining peace. Rather than looking upon something with sadness and grief, give thanks for everything that was learned and revealed through that season or relationship. By doing that you're making Papa the focus, not the circumstance, and freely does He release His peace and reassurance that He in fact knows what He's doing....how amazing it is to trust in the Lord, how I delight in Him and cherish being able to walk in an abundance of His freedom.
Thank you for showing me this.

Scattered

2009-07-31T09:07:00.000-07:00

I'm having a hard time figuring out what to write. There's so much I want to say, yet I'm sitting here drawing a blank. So many thoughts, so many emotions coursing through. One of the dominant emotions I'm feeling is almost a brokeness..if that's even an emotion. God is doing so much in my life right now that causes me to stand in awe of Him, the closeness that is being formed is priceless.. I'm learning to trust Him to an extent that I never have before. It's really hard. Along with this, comes opportunities to trust. I have so many people speaking into my life, giving me advice, that seems like the easy, obvious answer. I shouldn't say easy, it's not easy. But it seems like the logical decision that needs to be made. However, most things the Lord asks us to do are illogical. Am I making sense? I feel like everything is just scattered. I guess what I'm getting at is, I'm learning to trust God in such a deep way, that His voice is the only one I crave. Regardless of the many voices around me telling me what to do, His is the only one that matters. The decisions and choices that are being presented to me are so big, that I'm not willing to trust anyone else except the Lord, decisions that can potentially effect many around me..
I don't have much else to really express. Writing relaxes me, helps me wring out tension. So maybe that's the purpose of this post. To remind myself why I started trusting Jesus in the first place...because He's dependable, and is the only one that can give peace. Let Him govern my every move, that His word would be planted deep within my, it's the lamp to my feet and a light to the path that seems unclear at times..but He has gone before me, His right hand upholds me, and He's behind me, all around me..I will not be afraid, but cling to the truth that His strength is made perfect in my brokeness.
That's all.

Inner Parts of my heart

2009-07-21T22:23:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish there was a way to take the emotions that go on inside of me and just sort of, spill them onto this blog. Most times it's hard for me to even begin to scratch the surface of what goes through my mind. How can someone with so many thoughts, convey those words in a way that the reader understands fully what's going through the writer's head?
It seems I am learning constantly how to communicate, which has never been easy for me. God is daily providing situations and opportunities for me to learn and grow in that aspect...it's not fun, it's hard. In fact, right now I feel like crying, and I have no idea why. There's no reason behind my tears, yet I feel pain. I have asked the All Consuming Fire to come and consume everything about who I am...and in asking that, I know I'm not just asking for the flames of Love, but also the Refiner's Fire.. the fire that purifies and brings everything unwanted to the surface. The definition of 'refine' is "to free or become free from impurities/ to make or become more polished or elegant" We're almost oblivious to this when we ask the Holy Spirit to refine us. Then, as all the "impurities" begin to come up to the top, we find ourselves very discouraged and almost confused with why we're feeling frustrated and easily annoyed...well, i can't speak for everyone, I speak for myself in this. How do I get to a place where I can face these things and find freedom from them? To me, everything boils down to intimacy, it's the key to everything. Discovering the heart of the Father while also being known by Him. In Him, I'm free to be, free to be me, and free to be loved. I begin to have more patience, and grace to wait. Peace covers me whenever I start to fear about the outcome of things. Rest sustains me when all around me is chaotic.
And in that place, I find the tools and strategies I need that will help me in the areas that I feel weak...like communicating my thoughts :)

...the things of Earth will grow strangely dim..

2009-07-07T17:50:00.000-07:00

It is evident when I am lacking in my intimacy with the Lord. Earthly things become more important, silly situations seem a lot bigger. I feel forgotten when it comes to a few relationships- like if I don't keep reminding them that I'm here, they'll forget me and move on. This kind of dependancy makes me so irritated with myself. As if ANY earthly relationship would ever sustain me the way the Holy Spirit does. But it's in these times that I am most vulnerable to attacks, and most likely to give in. I don't know where along the way, earthly matters become priority, but it's vital that I get to the root of it all. I know that I'm not alone in this. So as you're reading this, I encourage you to examine your hearts. We cannot afford to waste away in mediocrity, and that's what lack of initmacy creates. We must catch it before it becomes just a way of life. Being princes and princesses, we are called to live extraordinary, to only allow the Lord to define us. But it can't just be something we agree verbally, it must be an agreement of mind, body and soul. If even one of those is falling short, in my experience, everything will fall short. Just how the body of Christ must be in one, so must the individual temples.

On a lighter note, the Holy Spirit never fails to use me, even when I feel I'm not equipped. Last night at my grandma's viewing, we played a song I had recorded for my dad for Father's Day- I Can Only Imagine, his favorite. I was somewhat nervous knowing an entire room of strangers and family, would hear my singing, not to mention one of my least liked choices of all the songs I recorded. I asked the Holy Spirit to move among the people, that even though I didn't like how I sounded, He would be glorified. As soon as the song started playing you could sense a shift in the atmosphere. People started crying, and you just knew, the Holy Spirit was up to something. This morning at the funeral, the catholic priest that was performing the ceremony started sharing about how last night during the second song (mine) he just became overwhelmed with joy. He went on to share how he just couldn't wait to see this Man face to face, that loves him so much. He kept going on and on about how much joy he felt and that God really has so much love for us. I can't explain the peace/joy that I felt listening to this. Not only did the Holy Spirit just invade this priest, but He is answering my prayer of uniting denominations. I literally felt a oneness in the body of Christ at that moment.
There really is nothing like being used in a moment and time in which you feel insignificant. It's like the Holy Spirit sees your heart, sees your mindset and says "She thinks she's insignificant, let me just show her how exactly significant and important she is in the kingdom." And completely blows your mind.
How can we be moved by petty little hills, when the Lord has called us to move mountains?? haha it's almost silly to me.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.

"You can't lose Me"

2009-07-01T19:56:00.000-07:00

Last night we had prayer and worship at Carla's apartment, there were only 5 of us which really created an intimate atmosphere. Towards the end of worship, my spirit left the room and entered in to my quiet place with Jesus. This happens often, my physical body is in the room and I can still hear what's going on, but my spirit is beckoned into a deep intimate haven with the Love of my life. I remember seeing Jesus and just having Him pull me into an embrace, I remember the familiarity of His presence and just the simplicity of really knowing Him, He's familiar and safe to me. When He smiles at me, I feel beautiful, when He looks at me I can feel His joy and overwhelming Love for me, when He hugs me.... I know that I'm home, and I'm safe, nothing can touch/harm me. There's peace there, restoration. I remember telling Him that I can't live without Him, I can't lose Him. He just laughed as if to say "Oh Audra, you're so silly", then He told me "You can't lose Me". He said it in a way meaning "you're stuck with me, I won't let you lose me". This gave me so much peace. The picture changed, and I was with Him on a hill/field that has been in a lot of my visions. In one season of my life, He was carrying me up this hill because I was too tired and couldn't make it. Another time we were standing together at the top with a huge army behind us, Jesus said to me "we're in this together, partners in crime". Last night we were there, and Jesus was running up the hill flying a kite. He was so carefree and full of joy...like a little kid. Whatever song we were singing at the time, the lyrics were along the lines of "I will search until I find You, I will seek Your face". And in the picture, Jesus was running away from me with this kite, as if we were about to play hide-and-seek. I felt the joy and delight He takes, in having us search for Him. It's not a game, but He has so much fun letting us find Him that in a way, it's like a game. I'm so consumed with Him, so very very much in love with Him. And what's so beautiful, is that He's so very very much in love with me, He looks upon me and is captivated by me. His heart is at peace knowing that I belong to Him, and that He has won me. No man will ever compare to my Jesus, no one will ever fill me the way He fills me. No other love will accept me the way He does.

I have found the One my heart loves, and I will not lose Him...ever.

Mercy Always Wins

2009-06-18T21:34:00.000-07:00

When you're put in a leadership position, your perspective of things severely changes, you become aware of things you wouldn't have noticed before, you're more sensitive to distractions, feel a lot more pressure..haha it's nice to just come and receive, but it's even greater to grow.

Tonight we had worship and prayer at Roasters.. the last couple times it's been amazing, not a whole lot of distractions, pretty easy to engage.. tonight was just as amazing if not more because we really had to press through some hard stuff at the beginning. First off we had...I think close to 20 people which the most we've had, in the past was like..10 haha so I'm definitely celebrating that factor, that's just awesome that our size doubled from tuesday night. Before I even got to Roasters, I was already kind of frazzled so when a lot of people started showing up, it felt almost overwhelming because I was behind the bar making drinks, along with our people showing up came about 6 people that were not with us, but thought we were open so came in and ordered some drinks..I was all alone making the drinks, so Audra got a little stressed with the atmosphere. It was loud, people were all over the place, I had MANY drinks I had to make while also thinking ahead to the time I would have to take to clean everything up. Even in my writing, I feel the anxiety that just kind of settled on myself and a couple of our leaders during this. I was kind of communicating with Cam and Kate with my eyes, just saying "This is crazy" and sensing their agreement back. When it came time for us to start everyone was hyped up on caffeine-thanks to me lol the first couple songs were majorly challenging for me, people were still talking and laughing loudly while others were trying to engage, but were almost hesistant because of the atmosphere that was previously set. I just felt the snicker from satan as if to say "ha yeah, try and worship in this. good luck". As the leader of this, I was pretty focused on all the distractions in the room and trying to figure out the best way to eliminate them while still keeping my focus on Christ. I felt a pull- would I give in to my frustration and let it define the night, or could I allow the Lord's grace and mercy to triumph over evil... the song "Holy" by Matt Gilman came on and that song is weighty, it's powerful. I began to feel the shift in the room. Certain songs just pertain that aroma of the Lord that's just irresistable, you can't help but be captivated by His glory and presence. "Holy" was that song. From that point on, I took that shift that I felt, and ran with it. Even though, in the distracting moments, I was challenged by the Lord to search within myself and find my purpose for this night. It wasn't to try and eliminate distractions, it was to bring praise to my King, that's what it's always about.. so I made that my focus, made Him my focus alone, and fell into Him...as did everyone else. It's incredible how worship completely silences the enemy, worship IS the elimination to the distraction.

With that said, Mercy always wins.

A Life Worth Living

2009-06-16T21:54:00.000-07:00

I gave in, I created a blog. I realized that there's too much happening, the time that we're in, the places our generation is going, I can't be silent, I won't be silent any longer. So, this has to be like, my 3rd blog I've created..lol but this blog will have purpose.. just like my life. I won't live just an ordinary life, just be a common person doing common things writing common blogs. I have to have purpose, I want to be a temple that hosts the glory of God. I might not have very many readers, but if I can just encourage one life, of one reader, I'll feel accomplished. The time we are in, is unlike any other time in all of history, my generation is truly different from every other generation before us.. the movement that is taking place right now, will change the world. A good friend was sharing with me last night about a word our generation has been given- we are a generation that is experiencing a level of intimacy that is so deep into the Lord, that we are able to carry and maintain the glory of His presence..and because of that we are impacting every aspect of our culture. People don't know it yet, don't recognize the shift that is taking place, it's still somewhat under the radar, but it won't remain that way for much longer..in fact it's happening right now. Burning young people are rising up who have said "yes" no matter what the cost, and because of that, nations are literally about to be impacted by the manifestation of the Holy Spirit.. we've contended for it, and will continue to do so. Revival is not an event, it's a movement, one that will be passed down from generation to generation.
Are you ready to go deep? Are you willing to be led into the darkest of places? Do you trust the Lord enough to let Him lead you without you knowing the destination? ...Me too.